Other People's Feelings. . . And Our Own

by Deborah Rubin, LCSW, PhD

Two days ago, we heard the news that Osama bin Ladin had been captured and killed. If you watched US television, you probably figured out what the media thought you should feel. But what if you felt something very different? What if you felt frightened, worried that terrorism and the war on terror would never end? What if you felt revengeful and triumphant, but also guilty about these strong emotions? What if your feelings went right back to 9/11/01, and you felt the same feelings you did then: shock, numbness, or sadness, for example? What if you felt terrible grief that humanity has still not advanced beyond "an eye for an eye"? What if you follow a meditative practice and are struggling to feel "loving kindness" towards the world?

One of the hardest things to deal with is the intensity of other people's feelings. If we feel them, too, our own feelings can be magnified and we can feel overwhelmed. If we feel something different, we can feel afraid to speak our feelings for fear of others' disapproval, ashamed if we think others are "nicer" people than we are, attacked if our own feelings seem to threaten other people's needs, or contemptuous, if we think we are better than other people. In all of these cases, we can feel very alone.

We are raised to believe that we should "stand up" for what we believe. It is much, much harder to hold on, silently, to what we feel, or to risk speaking out if others disagree. For many people, this is a problem in their families, in school, perhaps in their places of worship, on the job, and in other areas of their lives. We wonder how important it is to speak out in a given situation: should we be quiet or be the one who says the unpopular thing? We wonder whether we can hold on to our own values when we are surrounded by others who seem to feel that there is only one right point of view--theirs. We wonder if there is a rule to tell us when we should speak out and when it is wiser to remain silent.

It's even harder when we aren't so confident of our knowledge, our ability to be articulate, our status in the group, our ability to sound reasonable and convincing. Our emotions are our own, and they are true to us no matter how we are viewed by others. However, it is hard to hold onto the truth of our feelings if we feel unsure of ourselves in any way. This is an issue that many people struggle with throughout their lives, and it is an important one. If we can find a way to acknowledge our feelings, to accept these feelings as part of ourselves, to figure out what is really important to us, and to be confident enough to speak about the important things, even when others may not like what we say, we will be more at peace with ourselves and with the world outside.

Deborah Rubin, LCSW, PhD is a clinical social worker and psychoanalyst who works with people on self-exploration, trauma, and life crises of all kinds.